The Winter Blues Are Here

Apathy. Fatigue. Sluggishness. Lack of motivation. Extreme melancholy. Yep, the 'winter blues' are here. They have creeped in silently, as they always do. Even though as summer turns to autumn I know this depression is on its way, it always hits me by surprise. When my sadness begins, I always try to figure out what is bothering me so much before I finally accept that the lack of sunshine is taking its annual toll.

Frozen flooded meadow near my auntie's in Oxfordshire last year  - sometimes I feel like this

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. Never has an acronym been more true as its own word. I am very aware that I am not alone in this, and I do not suffer from it as badly as some people do, I know.

Nevertheless, it casts its shadow over the days between October and March. Getting out of bed is a daily battle. I've never been a morning person anyway, but it's much harder in the winter. The darkness of the mornings doesn't help, nor does the cold. A lot of people feel like that I'm sure. The problem is that the depression lingers through the day. Most normal tasks feel much harder, and the longing for bed is constantly there.

I first discovered I had suffered from SAD when I was at university. It was completely self-diagnosed, and my parents didn't believe that I could say that I had a problem without going to the doctor and getting an official diagnosis. I've had enough negative experience with doctors over things that are straightforward to treat, so I will not waste my time going to see one when I have enough nous to realise that I do suffer from the winter blues. Looking back I know I suffered with SAD from as early as the age of fifteen. At the time, I thought I was depressed because the boy I fancied rejected me. It didn't help, I'm sure, but I felt so incredibly low during that time and saddened in many ways that there had to be more to it than just some boy breaking my heart.

Therefore, it is up to me to do what I can to cope with this. I've always thought hibernation made good sense, but alas it is not very practical for us human beings. So, how do I cope?

The main thing I always do is to continue doing all the things I do normally, and to ensure that I go to social events. It is a struggle to stay motivated, but the end point is that I get out, see other people, and hey, I even manage to enjoy myself! It stops me from staying in and wallowing. This weekend I went to a friend's hen party in London. Right up to the point where I needed to catch the train I didn't want to go. But I made myself. My reasons were that I love my friend and wanted to celebrate with her, I would get to see a few friends from university who I hadn't seen for ages, the bridesmaids had planned an itinerary that sounded great and I knew deep down that it would be a lot of fun, and also I had bought an outfit specially. I had to keep reminding myself of this as I battled the negative thoughts in my brain – that I was too tired, that the whole day would exhaust me further, that I didn't feel like being happy, that I didn't want to spend all that money, that it would be a nightmare getting home because I would need to get a rail replacement bus part of the way – all the things that are just an annoyance normally appear to be mountains when I've got SAD - did I really want to force myself to go to this event?

Well, I did go, and I had a fantastic time. I really enjoyed myself, and more importantly my friend had an awesome time.

On Fridays I do youth work at my church, and throughout last winter I never wanted to go. Obviously, I've made a commitment to be there, so it that made it easier to decide to go in the first place. The bigger problem was with motivating myself to be happy, to be someone who the kids could talk to and have a laugh with, and to be in a position to let them unload their own problems onto me. Thankfully, God is so good, and He always gave me the strength to be there for the kids, whether it was just chatting about how much we love My Neighbour Totoro, or letting them cry on my shoulder over something hurting them, or answering some of their deep questions about God and Christianity. And I would come away every Friday evening filled with joy because these young people are wonderful, and their energy is infectious.

Totoro always makes me happy

Going out, for an ad-hoc social event or for a regular voluntary job, is very hard for me when SAD has hit me with full force, but it is always worth it, and in some way medicates me.

There are a couple of other things:

SAD Lamp or Lightbox – my husband bought me one of these as an early Christmas present a couple of years ago. The sun makes a massive difference to my sense of wellbeing throughout the year. That's why I actually find grey and dismal days in the summer so hard to handle as well. In winter the sun's rays are less powerful, and you're also much more likely to not be outside when the sun is shining, due to travelling to and from work in the dark. Having said that, I do try and spend some time outside during the winter when it is sunny. Nevertheless, I need a bit of help. So, my lightbox mimics the sun's rays in summer. You only need to spend between 30 minutes and an hour in front of it a day. I usually use mine for about 45 minutes whilst I read or do a Bible study in the morning. When I first used this I wasn't sure if it was actually helping, but it does make a difference. Waking up is still horrible, but after using the lightbox I found myself more alert in the mornings, and better able to face the day than I had been before. It's not a miracle, but it certainly helps.

God – praying and bringing my woes to God always makes a difference. He always gives me the strength when I feel unable to do even the most basic things because of this depression.

Not being too hard on myself – sometimes I just give in and let the blues overtake me. Sometimes I channel this into writing. Other times I just wrap up in a blanket, make a hot drink, and watch a film. This will often be something light and funny, but occasionally I will indulge in a sad film and let myself cry and wallow and just be sad. This is part of who I am, and every now and then I allow myself to be absorbed, to face it head on, let it do its work, and then pick myself up and carry on with life.

This year, I the blues have crept up on me slightly earlier than usual, and at a time when I am feeling happier than I have in ages. Thankfully, now they are here I know what I need to do. This autumn and winter are full of exciting plans, and I intend to enjoy myself as much as I can.


Photo my own. Picture courtesy of Google Images.