A Permanent Ache

Three weeks ago I suffered a miscarriage.

We found out that I was pregnant in mid-March. Although we were a bit scared we were very happy and excited.

Just before Easter I started spotting. I had my first appointment with the midwife that same day, thankfully. She was able to put my mind at ease but as she couldn't 100% rule anything out she referred me for an early scan.

The spotting stopped later that same day, and as I waited for my scan the pregnancy symptoms such as nausea and tiredness began to make themselves known. I allowed my original excitement to return and fervently hoped that all would be well.

I had the scan when I was 7 weeks. We could see a tiny someone, our tiny someone, his heartbeat flickering away. It was an amazing moment.

At 10 weeks I started bleeding. The instant I discovered it I knew that something was wrong. The scan this time confirmed the worst. Our baby had stopped developing shortly after 7 weeks and his heartbeat had stopped.

We were both devastated. Even though we had expected bad news we had still hoped for a miracle.

Writing about it publicly like this is really hard. I don't think I can convey just how much it hurts. I am logical and so in my head I am able to think about the future, about trying again. I know I did nothing wrong, I didn't cause this to happen, but still I want to scream out why?

My heart aches permanently for our loss, yet it continues to beat with a deep love for our little one who is now gone.

I trust God completely even though I can't understand why this has happened and why He wanted our little one so soon. Too soon for me. It is harder than I can describe. Everyone says these things happen for a reason but right now that is no comfort. My head knows that but my heart doesn't care.

My husband has been an absolute rock even though he is grieving too. My family, closest friends, and colleagues have been incredibly supportive. Many have surrounded us with prayer, something I know has given us strength and courage.

I had temporarily abstained from social media and certain social events. Everybody's life goes on but for a while my world stopped. I am back now, and that includes to the world of blogging. I have already been back at work for over a week, I've been doing chores, spending time with loved ones, and still finding joy in spring and the outdoors. A return to 'normality' is in progress, but my grief is still ever present.

Bit by bit, with the help of God and the support of those who love us I know I will get through, that we will both get through. But we will never forget the precious little one who was in our life for such a short time, unseen but already so loved.