Fighting the Fear

I suffer with anxiety. I imagine the worst possible scenarios for everything and then fret about them until the event is passed and nothing terrible has happened. In many ways it appears to have become a subconscious way of 'controlling' the situation, even if it does nothing of the sort. My twisted logic is that if I'm not worried then something is wrong, and something bad will happen. But if I worry, it will probably be fine. On a conscious level I still fear the worst. It's no real comfort to know that beneath the layers of worry I am actually attempting to control things.

It's because of this lack of control that I procrastinate. In a sense, if you want to control your life then wouldn't you just get on and do it? The problem is not the action itself, it's the outcome. Even if I work really hard I cannot guarantee that I will get published, I have no control over that as an end point. And so I freeze, I stop writing, and I quietly panic.

A couple of years ago I decided to see a Christian counsellor about my anxiety and procrastination woes. I had a session every other week or so for about a year, and although it helped to some extent, the really interesting thing that my counsellor identified about me is that the reason I procrastinate is because I am a perfectionist, and if the outcome is anything less than perfect, rather than making it as good as it can be I don't do it. Or at least I put off doing it. And by leaving it that long I know I have an excuse for the final product not being 'perfect.' It's because I didn't give myself enough time.

So what that and my anxiety boils down to is: fear. I am scared of failing, and I am scared because I can only control things to a certain extent.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt I was on a mission trip. I don't know what country I was in only that there was a lot of disease and lots of dangerous animals, mainly bugs. One of these bugs in my dream could burrow under your skin and paralyse you within four hours. In my dream I was petrified of this creature. The trip's leader, Dr Ray Langston from CSI  (I can only guess it's because I watched a couple of episodes before bed!), was very reassuring about the whole thing, and explained that the bug was quite rare and so finding one in the town we were staying in was unlikely. However, the panic I felt about dying from something, if not from that bug then something else, was extremely vivid. I woke up just after I began to cry out that I hadn't told my husband how much I loved him before I left, and that I might die before he could know.

As I lay in bed before getting up this morning I realised that this dream directly reflects my fear about my work and about a couple of other things happening in my life. I have been dithering and dawdling with my writing. I've been scaring myself about the end product by researching the cut-throat world of publishing even though I am a long way from sending anything off. I have put myself back in the position of believing that what I write simply isn't good enough, and even if it could be, I can't guarantee that I will get published.

But that's not why I am writing. I am doing this for God. What has happened is that I've fallen back into the old trap of relying on my own strength.

At house group this week we prayed for each other, as we always do, and this time I was bold enough to ask for prayer about the fact that I was relying on my own strength rather than God's for my writing, my job, my marriage, and my family. The first step for me is admitting that I have a problem because I fear the unknown. Instead of relying on God and trusting Him, I am scaring myself about having no money, about losing control, and about failing, ultimately about being anything less than perfect.

I believe that God is freeing from this fear once more, but He is also teaching me how I need to learn (again) that I have to trust Him.

What my dream furthermore reminded me of this morning, after I prayed, was when I went to Brazil in 2006. I remember that I definitely wanted to go. I had no qualms at all in saying "yes" as soon as our student worker at my uni church asked if I wanted to go. I knew God wanted me to go. Yet, I remember fighting to quell my fear of poisonous spiders. Although we weren't going to the Amazon Rainforest part of our time there was to be spent on a farm surrounded by jungle. At the first prayer meeting prior to the trip I remember being overcome by a strong sense of peace. God was reassuring me that He wanted me to go on this trip and that He did not want me to worry about spiders or anything else. This was significant because it stopped me worrying as I set about fundraising and making plans for the trip with the rest of the team.

By the time we were in Brazil it was clear that God has His hand on us for the whole trip, and He did so many amazing things while we were out there.*  On the first full day I encountered a small spider in the shower but I washed anyway, just keeping an eye on it. This was amazing for me - I shared a shower with a potentially deadly spider! Then, when we were staying on the farm, one of my friends found two poisonous spiders on her bed one night. However, because she grew up in Zimbabwe and South Africa she wasn't phased in the slightest and just got rid of them. I'm pretty certain that if I'd found them on my bed I would have freaked out big time, but she would have come to my rescue if need be. I knew then that we were protected by God from our own individual fears. We were on this mission for His glory, and He wasn't going to let our worries, however large to us they seemed, get in the way of that.

It was on the coach journey back to the airport, watching the lush foliage flash before my eyes that I realised I had done it. I had faced my fear of poisonous spiders to go to a country that I had never dreamed I would ever visit. But I hadn't faced it alone. I had gone there in God's strength, and he had surrounded me with fantastic people to share the experience with.

The farm we stayed on - you can't see it very well but there was forest all around full of parrots and monkeys. One night a three of us went for a walk and saw hundreds of fireflies glowing green, orange, and yellow. It was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen, and also something I would never have done if I'd thought about spiders...

It is with Brazil in mind that I know that this is what He is doing for me now. I write in His strength, not mine. He has surrounded me with people who support me, who cheer loudly for me, and who still love me regardless. I have countless other examples of when He has given me peace, squashing my fears so that I may fulfil my purpose through Him.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

 2 Corinthians 12:9

I will always worry. I think I will never be completely rid of my anxieties, my perfectionism, and my propensity to procrastinate. And although I am not proud of those flaws in me, I know that God is working through me, strengthening me, and building me up. Above all, He has asked me to write for Him, and just like in Brazil, He will not abandon me nor let me flounder in my fears.

*I could talk and write about Brazil for ever and ever - I've only just managed to exercise restraint in this post - there's so much more to tell than my fear of spiders!


Photo my own.