Patience. What is that? Anyone care to tell me? I'm not sure that I am familiar with the term myself... Sarcasm and self-deprecation aside, patience is something I possess very little of. I wish I was more patient. In fact I am impatient to become patient! Argh! A vicious circle of impatience ensues, and I discover that I still don't get anywhere!
What am I impatient about at the moment in particular? Well two things - one is that I would like a different job to my current one that is substantially more fulfilling intellectually. Trying to find one such job in a recession is difficult to say the least. The competition is significantly higher than it otherwise would be, and therefore my arts degrees and basic office experience are not getting me very far. My impatience isn't helping this situation. I am grateful that I have a job, and I work for a fantastic organisation, but I am feeling the need to move on - now isn't really the time to do that it seems, but I am so impatient for change I struggle to sit back and count my blessings.
The second thing I am impatient about is my entire personality - well almost! I wish I was a better person. I know I am a work in progress, and I have a long way to go. I have wonderful friends, family, colleagues, and a brilliant boyfriend. Most importantly I have God. But I am not satisfied with myself. They all love me but I don't love myself very much at all. I wish I was more patient, amongst other things. But I also hate the fact that I seem to have turned into an anxious, stressy, moany person, who is taking it out on the very people I love. I am showing depressive symptoms, but I know that I am not clinically depressed. Gargh, what is wrong with me? I don't know! And I suspect that me not liking myself because of this isn't helping! And I am impatient for a fast solution to sorting the trouble out. Every time I declare I will moan about things less, I end up failing miserably. I can trust God to help me, and I can trust my loved ones to help me. Yet at the same time my very impatient nature lets me down because I want the changes to be immediate. I want to become brighter and happier within seconds. Funnily enough it doesn't work like that.
I accept that in many ways this will all be a learning process for me. When I look back at things in my past I see ways in which I grew and changed for the better, but at the time I didn't always see it like that. A lot can be said for the benefit of hindsight, as I am sure you all understand yourselves. Even knowing this hasn't quite helped me quell my impatience to be a better person.
Oh, my patience is wearing thin, but then there wasn't much there to begin with. It is rather like those cheap kitchen towels you get from the supermarket that can absorb one drop of tea, but otherwise become a messy great tear the minute you need them to mop up a proper spillage. I accept that the deepest flaw in my personality is my impatience, as it leads on to many negative responses on my part in my day to day life.
My fear now is that the patience of others will wear thin with me. Haven't they had enough of me yet? Why not? It is a grievance that has little grounding in reality. Yep, no doubt my moaning makes people impatient with me from time to time. My boyfriend lost his rag, quite rightly so, with me this very morning. We were both better for it afterwards though, and I snapped out of my mood pretty quickly as I was brought to my senses.
It's often what I need - a series of short, sharp shocks. God is most often the one to give me that metaphoric slap round the face - it often hurts at the time, smarts for a bit afterwards, but ultimately the pain disappears and you have come round to your senses. He constantly shows His love for me in so many amazing ways. All this, despite the fact I behave like a petulant child who wants their dinner before it has finished cooking. If the parent gave their child a half-cooked dinner it would be cold, probably taste vile, and be rather unsatisfying, not to mention there could be a risk of food poisoning making them regret the meal for some time afterwards. However, if the child had waited the dinner would be delicious, fulfilling, and it would have been well worth putting up with the hunger pangs just before it. The half-cooked meal leaves the child worse off than if she had waited for it to be finished and flavoured properly. Good things come to those who wait.
Sometimes I think I need my brain examined for steaming ahead with plans and ideas without stopping to think, without stopping to pray. That's what I have been doing with job applications, that's what I've been doing with trying to better myself. The end result is what? I still haven't found the answers and I am still not happy about things. I don't presume that by waiting I will be infinitely happy, but in my heart I want to do what is right, and to ensure that I am doing what is right I need to take a step back, I need to stop, I need to ask, I need to listen, I need to understand. Patience comes with time, and I am probably much better than when I was younger. Even so, trying to be patient about becoming patient is one of the most challenging things I am going through right now.
It's times like these when I frequently need to remind myself of the famous passage in Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you." The more I trust God with this the more I am able to wait calmly on Him. He is always there for me, and He has surrounded me with incredible people who love me, and somehow don't tire of me or give up on me, for which I am profoundly grateful. I don't always get my own way because I don't always realise what is best for me. God, however, knows what is best for me. Isn't that worth waiting for? I believe so, and pray that I can be patient to His will.
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him" Psalm 37: 7
PS. This one is for my boyfriend who has been impatient for me to post a new blog entry ;) And also because he deserves a gold medal for putting up with me.
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