Looking Back

It was my birthday the other day, and I wrote this for it but didn't get the chance to post on the day. 

Celebrating this year - wigs in the pub!

I've always been one of those people who never really placed much store by my birthday, at least not since my eleventh when my grandma died the day before. When that happened my birthday suddenly seemed insignificant and not worth making too much of a fuss about, something which has correlated with a downward spiral in esteem issues. When I saw this on Robin's blog and decided to write my own, I realised that looking back at my birthdays specifically was a useful tool for marking the past few years because each time I could see lessons I'd learnt and ways in which I'd changed and grown as a person.

Ten Years Ago

It was my 19^th birthday. That evening I had a group of friends from college over for a party in the garden. It was just before we all went off to university or gap years. I was really happy. Secondary school had been a truly awful five years, and my two years at sixth form college, particularly the last year, had shown me that I was capable, that I was talented, and that I could make real, solid friendships with people who loved me for me. Of the guest who attended one is now my husband and four remain my closest friends.

Eight Years Ago

It was my 21^st birthday. I was at home from uni for the summer holidays so I celebrated with my immediate family. It was good for me to spend quality time with them, as since living away at university my sojourns home were becoming less and less frequent.

I was excited about returning to halls for my third year, having had a rather stressful year living out with friends, and this time having a room in the main university building, a beautiful Victorian chateau. I was also eager to do get started on my dissertation and do well in my final year. I was certainly very hopeful for the future.

Five Years Ago

It was my 24^th birthday. It was also my first official date with my husband. We had been living in the same house for 9 months with two of our best friends. His feelings hadn't changed since five years previously but mine had. Slowly, after a growing friendship and a lot of soul-searching, him becoming a Christian, and me learning to accept that I could be loved so much by a man, I realised my feelings towards him had radically changed. The date was exciting but nerve-wracking for us both. At this moment in time we were keeping our relationship secret from everyone else, even our housemates. As we both worked in London we met after work and went to a little restaurant. He presented me with a single rose and a beautiful bracelet. When we got home we spun a little story, that we'd both been out with colleagues and joined each other on the same train home. I disappeared to my room for a bit and when I came downstairs and they all surprised me with an amazing birthday cake – a chocolate cheesecake which my future husband had stayed up late the night before to make! It was definitely one of my best birthdays ever.

I was very happy, as the past year had been quite difficult with a lot of ups and downs. It had been very emotionally charged as I fought with my changing feelings, along with worries about my future career, and combating loneliness as I got used to all my girlfriends living further away than ever. Thankfully my year of being 24 turned out to be one of the most joyful of my life after that.

Three Years Ago

It was my 26^th birthday. It was my first birthday as a married woman. My husband and I went to Standen, a National Trust property for the day. The sky was a gorgeous blue and the leaves on the trees were just starting to change colour. I think the season was changing for us too. We were happy newly-weds and life was good. We'd just started youth work at church and were becoming even more actively involved but this birthday also marked the beginning to a very tough year for us both, particularly for me emotionally as I was about to endure the worst year of my working life so far.

Two Years Ago

It was my 27^th birthday. And I was barely able to stop myself skipping as the end was in sight for my last day working for the council after what had been an extremely difficult and demoralising time. I was starting a new adventure, where I would be working part-time for one of the emergency services and then spending two days a week at home to focus on my writing. I was full of hope and couldn't wait to get started.

We'd also moved to a better house during the past year where we enjoying looking after the garden. Life was busy and full, just how we like it.

Last Year

It was my 28^th birthday. I was still working for the same organisation but had just moved to the main office and been given a full-time role. It was a hard step to take as it meant I would have to spend less time than I wanted on my writing, but it was better to do it than have no income from me.

I had learnt a lot about myself during my year working part-time, my discipline (or lack thereof) and how I need to work on that, but it also made me more sure than ever that writing is my greatest passion and I just need to go for it, instead of consistently blocking my path with self-esteem hurdles and other commitments. A tough but good lesson that I am still learning.

So Far This Year

I am now 29. What can I say? In many ways I was glad to see the back of being 28. It has been a true rollercoaster ride of joy and pain. When I miscarried in May it had a more profound and lasting impact than I had expected it to, and I am still struggling with it today. I am not without hope, but I have to acknowledge that grief is really hard. This mixed in with a number of other issues my husband and I have had to face has made for a very tough year indeed. We have learnt that God is most definitely our strength in our weakness.

There have also been some wonderful highlights to the year from big events such as my brother-in-law's wedding and our anniversary trip to Rome through to smaller happenings that shine light into the darkness whether that's a day out with my husband to afternoon tea with my family to meeting up with old friends to watching the sun set and hearing the swifts call and knowing that God is in all this and not letting go of me.

So, let's see what the last year of being in my twenties will bring!