Catching Up

I've been struggling recently to sit down and write my blog. This hasn't been the first time that I've left great gaps in my writing, and by my standards, it hasn't been all that long since my last post. However, I love writing and blogging and I don't want to leave it too long, because if I do then I'm afraid I'll never be able to pick it back up again.

I've been pretty busy lately, which I know you can all relate to, so that has had an impact. But I've also been going through a bit of a revelation.

Recently I've realised just how nasty I am to myself. I've learnt that my worst enemy is myself. And I have been making 'myself' feel like total rubbish and this has been affecting everything I do.

I'm not entirely sure when or where this revelation came about, and it wasn't exactly like this either:

(Sorry, I couldn't resist adding this, because although I am generally nothing like Gollum/Smeagol, I've been wanting to say to my bitter, angry, hateful self,, "Leave now and never come back!" I  also relate all to well to my inner self constantly saying "Nobody likes you." It's also one of my favourite scenes from LOTR because it's so well done, and I feel real sympathy for Smeagol's torment.)

Anyway, over the past couple of weeks I have been making a stand. I've prayed and offered the situation up to God. The most distressing aspect was part of me believed that I had already done this, but the truth is I've never let go of my self-hatred. I've grown stronger as a person, but I still hugely doubt myself, I still worry that people don't really like me, and I struggle with guilt for ages when I don't get things right. This is not what God wants for my life.

For years I've believed that being a Christian should have changed all of that, and in some ways it should have done, but despite giving my life to God I haven't let go of certain aspects. Satan has long had a hold on the parts of myself that I don't like, and I have actually been getting worse in recent times.

Finally, I believe that I have had real clarity on the issue. I can see now just how much I have been dragging myself down, belittling myself, and beating myself up. Yes, negative things have happened to me. I've been bullied and I have been betrayed, but I have held onto stuff and subconsciously turned it into a warped understanding of my true self.

I'm not saying that things will be perfect from now on. I know that there will still be struggles, and I still battle daily with my self-doubts. Yet, I feel lighter, like a burden has been lifted. I'm scared about my writing, about my abilities as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, youth worker etc, but I feel that the grip of self-hatred is waning. It is weakening under the love of my Father.

I've needed the stress, the worries, and the angry thought patterns this past month to help me stand back and say, "Whoa, this has to stop," and for me to truly and humbly give it up to God, acknowledging the amazing and beautiful things he has done in my life, and how He is constantly transforming me. I've needed to seek His forgiveness, and I have been surrounded by His love.

Days will still be hard, but the roots of self-destruction are being torn out. It is because of this:

Because such love for me, such sacrifice for me, has made me free to live the life that I am meant to live: Galatians 5:1. He is the Champion of Hearts, and I believe this to the very depths of my soul.

Coming up soon: An adventure to the Science Museum, and updates of what is going on in our garden this spring! Down with the writer's block, I'm itching to get writing again, huzzah!