The Spider in the Bath

I don't make my fear of spiders a secret. I am definitely not one of their biggest fans. I feel a little bit guilty about this because they have very bad press and they are good guys really - they eat flies and wasps, which is very welcome indeed, and they also make amazing webs that look especially stunning in morning dew. However, the logical part of my brain just can't win. Each time I confront a spider my phobia is victorious.

The problem has grown slightly worse since we moved house. As we have a tiny kitchen our washing machine lives in a little outhouse at the end of garden which presumably is where the toilet was back when these houses were built in the 19th Century. We lovingly call it the privy. It is with great relief that there is no longer a toilet there and that many decades ago someone converted one of the bedrooms into the bathroom.

However, going to put the laundry on is something of a hazard. For spiders rather love lurking in the privy, and occasionally building vast webs across the old wooden door. Thanks spiders, thanks a lot. Yes, I appreciate the beauty. No, I do not appreciate you blocking my path when I need to clean our clothes!

If there are spiders present, I plaintively squeal to my husband to rescue me and put the laundry on instead. If he isn't around then I have to deal with it. I may sometimes use a twig or similar weapon to persuade the spider to run from the vicinity. Other times I, rather pathetically, have to squirm and hunch into as small a size as my body will let me go so as to not touch the door or walls but be able to reach the washing machine door, lob the clothes inside, and then programme in the settings. I then run for the house, shaking myself just in case any mischievous arachnid chose to land on me at some point in this ridiculous process.

We've had a few spiders inside the house, but nothing too intimidating. That was until the other morning when a massive house spider lay in wait in the corner of our bedroom, positioned just above the sink. I decided to carry on getting ready for work, giving the spider several chances to move and hide so I could pretend it wasn't there. But it just sat there, waiting for me. In the end I had to sneak up to the fireplace, that juts out just beside the sink, press myself against it, and deftly slip my arm around the edge to reach across for the toothbrush and toothpaste, eyes on the spider the whole time, hoping that it wouldn't leap at me and attack! I then hurried off to the bathroom and cleaned my teeth in there instead.

Now the spider has gone. I don't know where. Normally this would bother me. I could never sleep in the same room as a spider before. Yet, no longer being able to see this spider, I am not particularly worried. Is this a sign that my phobia is improving? Or is the fact that I behave like such a freak in their presence mean that there is no hope for me?

It all puts me in mind of the brilliant little song, The Spider in the Bath*, by the comic duo Flanders & Swann. A song my parents introduced to me and that I relate to wholeheartedly. I especially like this verse:

What a frightful looking beast

Half an inch across at least

It would frighten even Superman or Garth!

There's contempt it can't disguise

In the little beady eyes

Of the spider sitting glowering in the bath!

Thankfully I've not been driven to my demise by any spider, but clearly I have been driven to some very silly behaviour.

*Do not watch this video if you are afraid of spiders! It's the only one I could find - sorry! But it is worth opening in another tab and listening to.