The first job I remember wanting, at the age of 5, was to be a ballerina. My mum and I went to see
Sleeping Beauty performed by the Moscow City Ballet at the Theatre Royal in Brighton at the end of January. Our favourite ballet performed beautifully reminded me why I had wanted to succeed at ballet. Indeed, my heart fluttered and soared as I watched the incredible dancing, and a little part of me wondered why I hadn't pursued that particular childhood dream. But then, at the age of 5, I also wanted to be a nurse like Mummy, and a teacher because I loved school and admired my teacher. Then I discovered I was very good at writing stories, and so a career in writing was what I decided on and that hasn't changed.
I started ballet lessons when I was 3 - I even had a pair of ballet pumps ready, which I had worn as a bridesmaid at my uncle's wedding just before I started classes. I loved the dancing, the pretty pink leotard with a little skirt, the tie-over cardigan, even better my pink tutu for shows. I once got the lead, when I was 6, as the rose fairy in my class' dance for our summer show. I liked being pretty and girly. Yet my teacher was a dragon. She was good at heart, I think, but quite strict. Bad
grand plies were spotted a mile off. She had me in tears once when she threatened to hammer my feet to the floor if I didn't improve my
turn-out. For a young child that is a pretty terrifying prospect!
Despite this I very much enjoyed ballet and performing, but by the age of 7 I was becoming more of a tomboy and I had a huge interest in my school work, especially writing stories! At the age of 9 I left ballet altogether. I didn't regret it, I knew I would always love it, but there were other things that were more important to me and I didn't have the dedication to continue.
Dedication. That is the word.
Whilst S
leeping Beauty was stunning, the dancing fantastic, I felt a pang of melancholy as I thought of where that dedication can lead. One dancer was painfully thin. True they were all very slim, but she looked like she was starving. Yet, she had a boundless energy and a beaming smile that just didn't compute with her emaciated appearance. I don't know how common they are in the industry, but I have heard the term 'eating-disorder' associated with ballet more than once...
My husband and I went to see
Black Swan on cinema the following week. It was a brilliant film, although perhaps not one of my favourites. It is less about ballet and more about control and perfection. The main character, Nina, whose main aim is perfection as a dancer, needs to learn to lose control and yield to her darker side in order to dance the Black Swan, as well as the White Swan, in her company's production of
Swan Lake. As you watch Nina's transformation in character you do come to appreciate that there is a darker side to ballet and such hard work.
As a remedy to this (often scary!) film, whilst my husband was studying one Sunday afternoon, I indulged in watching a favourite chick flick,
Center Stage, about a group of ballet students at the American Ballet Academy in New York, preparing for the end-of-year workshop that will determine their future careers. The top student, Maureen, is pushed by her ambitious mother who was unable to become a successful dancer herself (like Nina's mother in
Black Swan). Maureen is a perfect ballerina but she finds no true joy in it. The main character, Jody, on the other hand loves dancing more than anything but almost misses being cast in the workshop due to her "bad feet" and "poor turn-out." Luckily Cooper Nielson, the American Ballet Company's top male dancer, spots Jody's potential and gives her the main role in his ballet for the workshop. In the workshop Jody is a roaring success because she dances so beautifully - "you can't take your eyes off her." Maureen, however, ultimately realises she is doing ballet for her mum and not for herself, so she abandons her role as the lead in the company director's ballet at the last minute, allowing the rebellious but amazing dancer, Eva, to shine in her stead. It's a cheesy story (although the dancing is fab) but the ideas in it ring true.
Ballet is hard work. It
is about control. Without it the focus would be gone for those moments of pure balance. But ballet is also about beauty. The Moscow City Ballet danced as though that was what they were designed to do - naturally, freely, beautifully. You couldn't take your eyes off them. Only at one point was the control noticeable, when you could see the concentration on Princess Aurora's face, when she had to stand in a prolonged position of
attitude (on one leg) whilst she greeted her row of suitors. But then who could argue with control when you've got to stay in a position like that!?
I could never have got to that stage if I'd continued with ballet. I do not have the dedication. I always want to be at the point of pirouetting freely so I appear to be flying without the hard work it takes to get there. And that applies to life too. Patience is something I am still learning. Hard work too. One day the words I write will be a full novel and someone somewhere will love what I have written. But that won't be tomorrow. Dancing or writing - control and freedom, patience and dedication, passion and beauty. All ingredients are needed. But it will be worth it. Because one day you will make someone's heart flutter and soar, as the Moscow City Ballet did for me, and that is really what it is all about.
