Looking Back

It was my birthday the other day, and I wrote this for it but didn't get the chance to post on the day. 

Celebrating this year - wigs in the pub!

I've always been one of those people who never really placed much store by my birthday, at least not since my eleventh when my grandma died the day before. When that happened my birthday suddenly seemed insignificant and not worth making too much of a fuss about, something which has correlated with a downward spiral in esteem issues. When I saw this on Robin's blog and decided to write my own, I realised that looking back at my birthdays specifically was a useful tool for marking the past few years because each time I could see lessons I'd learnt and ways in which I'd changed and grown as a person.

Ten Years Ago

It was my 19^th birthday. That evening I had a group of friends from college over for a party in the garden. It was just before we all went off to university or gap years. I was really happy. Secondary school had been a truly awful five years, and my two years at sixth form college, particularly the last year, had shown me that I was capable, that I was talented, and that I could make real, solid friendships with people who loved me for me. Of the guest who attended one is now my husband and four remain my closest friends.

Eight Years Ago

It was my 21^st birthday. I was at home from uni for the summer holidays so I celebrated with my immediate family. It was good for me to spend quality time with them, as since living away at university my sojourns home were becoming less and less frequent.

I was excited about returning to halls for my third year, having had a rather stressful year living out with friends, and this time having a room in the main university building, a beautiful Victorian chateau. I was also eager to do get started on my dissertation and do well in my final year. I was certainly very hopeful for the future.

Five Years Ago

It was my 24^th birthday. It was also my first official date with my husband. We had been living in the same house for 9 months with two of our best friends. His feelings hadn't changed since five years previously but mine had. Slowly, after a growing friendship and a lot of soul-searching, him becoming a Christian, and me learning to accept that I could be loved so much by a man, I realised my feelings towards him had radically changed. The date was exciting but nerve-wracking for us both. At this moment in time we were keeping our relationship secret from everyone else, even our housemates. As we both worked in London we met after work and went to a little restaurant. He presented me with a single rose and a beautiful bracelet. When we got home we spun a little story, that we'd both been out with colleagues and joined each other on the same train home. I disappeared to my room for a bit and when I came downstairs and they all surprised me with an amazing birthday cake – a chocolate cheesecake which my future husband had stayed up late the night before to make! It was definitely one of my best birthdays ever.

I was very happy, as the past year had been quite difficult with a lot of ups and downs. It had been very emotionally charged as I fought with my changing feelings, along with worries about my future career, and combating loneliness as I got used to all my girlfriends living further away than ever. Thankfully my year of being 24 turned out to be one of the most joyful of my life after that.

Three Years Ago

It was my 26^th birthday. It was my first birthday as a married woman. My husband and I went to Standen, a National Trust property for the day. The sky was a gorgeous blue and the leaves on the trees were just starting to change colour. I think the season was changing for us too. We were happy newly-weds and life was good. We'd just started youth work at church and were becoming even more actively involved but this birthday also marked the beginning to a very tough year for us both, particularly for me emotionally as I was about to endure the worst year of my working life so far.

Two Years Ago

It was my 27^th birthday. And I was barely able to stop myself skipping as the end was in sight for my last day working for the council after what had been an extremely difficult and demoralising time. I was starting a new adventure, where I would be working part-time for one of the emergency services and then spending two days a week at home to focus on my writing. I was full of hope and couldn't wait to get started.

We'd also moved to a better house during the past year where we enjoying looking after the garden. Life was busy and full, just how we like it.

Last Year

It was my 28^th birthday. I was still working for the same organisation but had just moved to the main office and been given a full-time role. It was a hard step to take as it meant I would have to spend less time than I wanted on my writing, but it was better to do it than have no income from me.

I had learnt a lot about myself during my year working part-time, my discipline (or lack thereof) and how I need to work on that, but it also made me more sure than ever that writing is my greatest passion and I just need to go for it, instead of consistently blocking my path with self-esteem hurdles and other commitments. A tough but good lesson that I am still learning.

So Far This Year

I am now 29. What can I say? In many ways I was glad to see the back of being 28. It has been a true rollercoaster ride of joy and pain. When I miscarried in May it had a more profound and lasting impact than I had expected it to, and I am still struggling with it today. I am not without hope, but I have to acknowledge that grief is really hard. This mixed in with a number of other issues my husband and I have had to face has made for a very tough year indeed. We have learnt that God is most definitely our strength in our weakness.

There have also been some wonderful highlights to the year from big events such as my brother-in-law's wedding and our anniversary trip to Rome through to smaller happenings that shine light into the darkness whether that's a day out with my husband to afternoon tea with my family to meeting up with old friends to watching the sun set and hearing the swifts call and knowing that God is in all this and not letting go of me.

So, let's see what the last year of being in my twenties will bring!

Books, Glorious Books!

Having had a great night out with work colleagues to celebrate a special birthday for our head of department, I am now feeling a little fragile so when I stumbled across this on Kirsti and Emmy's blogs I thought it would be the perfect remedy. It's all about reading and books in ABC format!

Top shelf of the big bookcase in the living room

Author you've read the most books from
There are many. There's no one author who I've read several books by, but I've read all six of Jane Austen's, lots by Bill Bryson, Alison Weir, CS Lewis, JK Rowling, Sebastian Faulks, Philippa Gregory...

Best sequel ever
I'm not really sure, but I like the way that Sebastian Faulks' French trilogy - The Girl at the Lion D'Or, Birdsong and Charlotte Gray all link together. My favourite of the three is Birdsong.

Currently reading
In the process of deciding what to read next having just finished a book.

Drink of choice while reading
Definitely tea.

E-reader or physical book
Physical book. I sometimes borrow my husband's Kindle, but I love holding an actual book, even if I'm reading a long book that's really heavy to carry around in my bag to work, I'll tend to opt for that over the Kindle.

Fictional character you probably would have actually dated at high school
Not being successful in the world of dating when I was at secondary school it would be more apt for me to say who I would have most likely had a crush on. Probably Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables - tall, dark and annoying at first but a great friend in the end.

Glad you gave this book a chance
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. My youngest brother got given the first three for his ninth birthday and seemed to love them, reading them over and over. The family friends who have given them to him went on about how great they were, but looking at the front covers I just thought they were kids books that I might have enjoyed when I was younger. One half-term when I was bored with GCSE coursework and fancied a break I picked up the first book thinking I could do with an easy read and anyway, I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Well, the rest is history!

Hidden gem book
I would have to go for one from my childhood which is Charlotte Sometimes by Penelope Farmer. It's about a girl called Charlotte who goes to boarding school and thanks to the bed she chooses in her dorm every other night she switches places with a girl from the past called Clare. I loved the concept and the story haunted me as well as inspired me as a kid. Apparently it also inspired The Cure who wrote a song about it. Maybe not that much of a hidden gem then but I have yet to find anyone else I know who has read it! Let me know if you have!

Important moment in your reading life
This will sound ridiculous but probably when I stopped reading out loud and began reading "in my head." I began to devour books a lot quicker after that.

Just finished
Innocent Traitor by Alison Weir for the second time. Great book, well written and very well researched, not to mention heart-wrenching.

Kind of books you won't read
As others have said I'm not interested in stuff like Fifty Shades of Grey and erotica.

Longest book you've read
Coming Home by Rosamund Pilcher. It is a pretty long story but I find it a joy to read. A good indulgence for long summer days.

Major book hangover because of:
Harry Potter. Each time I finished one I couldn't wait to get my hands on the next one and each year or years between felt too long. And then when I read the last one I found it difficult to accept that it was all over. I got so wrapped up in the world of magic and Hogwarts that I would think about each book for a long while after I'd read it. And I would also spend a lot of time wishing and hoping that I could one day write something as good.

Number of bookcases you own
Five, technically four that actually have books in as the fifth currently holds DVDs and files but we have plenty of books without a home that could do with living in that fifth bookcase so I might need to do some storage rearranging!

One book you've read multiple times
Too many! Most of my childhood favourites, and plenty of my adult favourites but I've probably reread Anne of Green Gables the most.

Preferred place to read
Although I can comfortably read in most places - the train to work, coffee shops, indoors and outside - my favourite place to read is one of the big armchairs at my parents' house, especially in winter when the log fire is burning.

Quote that inspires you from a book you've read
Oh man, I feel like I should something really profound here but don't know what to say. I can think of several and nothing good all at the same time. I'll have to get back to you! Inevitably it will be something said by Aslan or Dumbledore.

Reading regret
I've wasted time reading some trashy chick lit when I've wanted an easy read. The stories are often so similar that I usually ended up wondering why I bothered. I didn't enjoy Bridget Jones' Diary (love the films though), but I felt like I should have done because it's so popular. I generally avoid chick lit now as it just gets on my nerves.

Series you started and need to finish (all books are out in series)
None at the moment. Need to find a series to start I guess!

Three of your all time favourite books
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis
Harry Potter by JK Rowling - all of them

Unapologetic fan girl for
Harry Potter, Bill Bryson, Jane Austen

Very excited for this release more than all others
Honestly can't say. I feel unaware of new releases at this moment in time *feels ashamed*

Worst bookish habit
Curling the tops of the pages absent-mindedly whilst I read, and laying books face down while I go to make tea or whatever because I can't find my bookmark - all I can say is that my books look incredibly well loved!

X marks the spot - start at the top left of your shelf and pick the 27th book
The Last Battle by CS Lewis

Your latest book purchase
Lonely Planet's Italian phrasebook for our trip to Rome. Before that it was The Fault in our Stars by John Green and Call the Midwife by Jennifer Worth - there was an offer on books at Tesco when I was meant to be buying stationery or paper plates or something... That was a while ago, but as it is my birthday soon I will hopefully have some money to spend on some new reads!

ZZZ-snatcher book (last book that kept you up way late)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I know that was some considerable time ago now but I have lost the stamina to stay up late reading in my old age.

Yeah, I know, Harry Potter was the answer to a lot of these questions. You could say I'm a fan...oh wait, I did say that...

Summer Distractions

Oh blog how I have missed thee... The honest truth is I want to write but I feel like I can't. I am busy, it is true, but I am also struggling and the two together tend to have a detrimental effect on my writing as a whole. If I'm going to let my writing slide then blogging is the format that drops off of the radar first.

This summer has been full of distractions, good and bad. The good has helped with the bad, and that is the stuff that I want to share right now. Behold, if you will, a look into my good summer distractions:

Urban Exploration
I've mentioned before that this is one my husband's favourite hobbies. He usually goes exploring with one of our friends as I'm a bit of a Hermione Granger about these things, but I decided to join them on a few adventures this summer. We went in search of three abandoned train tunnels on lines that were closed after the Beeching Axe in the 1960s, an old mill, and a nuclear bunker that wasn't quite accessible. It was fun, and on one of the days we went out the sky was darkening menacingly as a storm brewed, a highly effective atmosphere for sneaking around outside an abandoned building, and we got to see some pretty impressive fork lightning on the way home.

Fancy Dress
On average I probably attend one fancy dress party a year, but we've been to three this summer alone. The first was an 80s Night to raise money for Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital, the second a 'Music' themed party for a friend's 30th birthday, and the third a 90s Party (inspired by the 80s one, having decided that the 90s is just about credibly vintage) for another friend's birthday. Each night was great. The 80s party involved hilarious karaoke, the Music night threw up some brilliant costumes, and the 90s night had great costumes as well as a fab playlist, if I may say so myself as I put it together. There was a lot of nostalgia at that party aided by the consumption of Iced Gems and Party Rings!

 A Graduation
At the beginning of July we went to London for my husband's MSc graduation at the Royal Festival Hall. It meant an extremely early morning and extortionately priced train tickets. It was great to celebrate my husband's success. I am very proud of him.

Tomfoolery
Sometimes when I'm tired and when I'm low I get random bursts of energy where I enjoy messing around. For the most part this has involved my husband and I successfully creating amusing status updates on Facebook for a couple of our friends over and over again. It's provided quite a lot of giggling and much amusement. But leaping around abandoned tunnels, playing pranks on the youth and other youth leaders, and running around the park pretending to be goblins have all proven to be very silly yet welcome distractions.

And now autumn is not too far away, which means all of my family's birthdays to look forward to, a special christening, the changing colours of nature, and hopefully plenty of adventures. But first, I am happy to enjoy just a bit more summer!

There will be some more posts on Rome coming soon too!

Photos my own.

Attack of the Mozzies!

We've just had a three week heatwave here in the UK, but even now it is still excessively muggy and warm. They say that storms are a'brewin' so we shall see. As much as I love the sunshine I would like the humidity to break.

Summer in the UK is a funny thing. When the weather is good it can be really good and there is so much to do outdoors. There are picnics and barbecues galore, trips to the seaside, walks in the woods, swimming in outdoor pools, open air shows and concerts, and chilled times spent in gardens and parks.

The negative sides are the humidity - it's not jungle humidity by any stretch, but it's enough to make you feel like you will never cool down. Then there's my office which acts like a greenhouse until it becomes stiflingly hot. But worst of all are the bitey insects of dawn and dusk. Sneaky mosquitoes and other gnats delighting in a little feast on your arms or legs or wherever they can get to.

And it is that last problem that I am having a seriously unlucky summer with. I got several bites on my legs in Italy back in June and seemed to react quite badly, some of them blistered and then a couple got infected. I was in agony by our last day but determined not to let it ruin our holiday.

As we arrived home late on a Friday I had to phone the NHS helpline 111 for advice on the Saturday. They referred me to a community hospital in a nearby town where a friend kindly drove me. I saw a nurse who prescribed me antibiotics and hydrocortisone cream. After a while things improved and although I have a few faint marks left where the bites were they've disappeared.

I then experienced a few more bites last week. Although they were horrible and uncomfortable they weren't anything to worry about. A few days after that I got bitten again. Lucky me. This time I had another reaction with one of the bites taking over half of my thigh. It soon became obvious that it was infected. So off I went to an emergency GP appointment where I was prescribed more antibiotics and advised to use insect repellent when I went out and about.

I am much better but I couple of days ago I was feeling wretched and very sorry for myself. I've always been favoured by mosquitoes - I must have delicious blood - but I have never reacted this badly before. To think that I went to Brazil seven years ago and only got bitten once or twice, but yet in my favourite country, Italy, I got attacked and then again in my home country and I have had these horrible reactions. Grrr. That's all I can really say. Grrr.

Mosquito bites are probably the only thing that makes me long for winter. I am otherwise happy to have summer around for as long as possible, so I guess I'll stock up on insect repellent and hope for the best!

Vacanze Romane Day 1: 20 Degrees of Separation

We'd booked the third week of June off work to celebrate our third wedding anniversary. Initially we had planning lots of day trips near to home but after what happened in May and some other stresses at home we decided that we needed a break away further afield. We turned our sights to my favourite city in the world, Rome. We nabbed a pretty good last minute deal which included flights and a posh hotel on the Via Veneto.

So early one Monday morning we took the train to Gatwick for our flight, arriving in Rome at lunchtime. As we stepped off of the plane we were hit by a wall of heat which was a bit of a shock to the system. We knew it would be warm, but we what we hadn't expected was a difference of 20 degrees! England was cooler than average for June, but apparently Italy was hotter than average for June!

We took the airport shuttle bus to the city. I had been to Rome twice before so I let my husband take the window seat. We watched the suburbs flash by and before too long we were on the outskirts of the Vatican, and then across the river and through the centre, though not past any of the sites, to Termini Station.

My husband had worked out the route to our hotel, which was a blessing because I was already too hot and bothered to look at a map. My body was crying out for air conditioning, something it never ever does because normally I am an air conditioning hater.

It was so hot that the walk took forever, and we were enormously relieved to find the Via Veneto, which is on a hill no less. How dare it be so! Our hotel was only about half way up and we walked through the glass doors to be met by deliciously cool air and a marbled hallway.

The concierge showed us to our room which was bigger than our house, complete with an enormous bed and more lovely air con. Everything seemed rather posh, if a little dated. We were mildly intimidated by the apparent grandeur so I guess it put our minds at ease to see the chipped glass lamp shades and the the worn carpet. It was a 5 star hotel of a bygone era, but comfortable and cool and all that we needed for somewhere to freshen up and rest our heads.

After cooling down and unpacking we headed back out into the blazing sunshine, following the Via Veneto round in the direction of the Villa Borghese. There we wandered through the peaceful parkland, watching as tourists whizzed past on segways or on the rather disappointingly named chariots - I'll admit that when I read in the guide book that you could hire "chariots" I thought they meant Roman imitations, not glorified pedal bikes - wouldn't that be better don't you think? Or is it just me?

We stopped at a restaurant to buy ice cream. Italy has served me the best ice cream I have ever tried every time I've visited and I am pleased to say that I was not disappointed on this occasion. My husband had a scrumptious chocolate ice cream and I went for lemon which was as wonderfully sharp and refreshing as a glass of Victorian lemonade.

After making a bit of a mess of ourselves as the ice creams had begun to melt as soon as the sun looked at them, we continued onwards to the Pincio Gardens, which look out across the Piazza del Popolo across to St Peter's Basilica in one direction and the Il Vittoriano in another. We leant on the wall gazing at the views and settled deeper into holiday mode.

After relaxing for a while we made our way down the steps to the piazza and then onto the Spanish Steps which were predictably crawling with tourists and guys trying to sell us roses and weird squeaky monster things. We successfully bypassed them by firmly saying "No grazie," several times before we quickly disappeared into the maze of neighbouring cobbled streets.

After a while we found ourselves at the Mausoleum of Augustus which was unfortunately all fenced off so you couldn't get close to it. It was strange sight. I have written so many essays on Augustus, particularly during my MA. He has to be my favourite emperor simply because of how much I read and wrote about him, his household, his government and polices, his enemies, and the years before and after his rise to power. It was strange to see his mausoleum hidden amongst modern buildings, fenced off, looking forlorn.

We stopped by the giant glass cube that now houses the Ara Pacis, one of the great monuments in honour of Augustus, something else I read and wrote a lot about. Unfortunately it was closed. I would have liked to have seen it having dedicated an entire essay to it, as well as giving it a honourable mention in a short story! Instead we sat on the steps in the shade by the fountain and chilled out before it was time to search for dinner.

We stumbled across a pizzeria a couple of streets away called Al Leoncino. We were the first customers of the evening, and we didn't have to wait long for our two enormous pizzas to arrive. They were fantastic - Roman pizza is, after all, the very best! Soon the restaurant was full of other customers and the place was buzzing. I enjoyed putting my rusty Italian to use and quickly regained my confidence in it, unlike my nervous French on our trip to Paris last year!

The streets were still baking when we left, even though the sun had set, so we meandered slowly through the cobbled streets, past the Trevi Fountain that was swarming with tourists and more rose sellers, and across the markedly quieter Piazza Barberini and back up to our hotel where we soon crashed out into one of those wonderful holiday sleeps to prepare us for the next day's adventures.

Photos my own.

Suddenly Social Life

This is just a quick post to say that it has been just over a week since we got home from a short holiday to Rome. It was one of those holidays that has made us feel like we need another holiday to recover, great but exhausting. I will be blogging about it very soon!

Apart from 'recovering' from our holiday, suddenly our social life has exploded! There have been four parties - an 80s Night, a friend's 30th which was music themed fancy dress, a paella & sangria evening at our place, and a little friend's 1st birthday party!

It's all been rather hectic and I feel pretty worn out. I can't complain though, it's great to be enjoying the summer come rain or shine!

In the meantime please Follow my blog with Bloglovin!

Seeing Thankfulness: Week Two

A Million Little Somethings

This post is a little bit late as I have had a manic past few days. So, here is what I intended to post on Friday:

This week I am thankful for...

...my husband. Here he is pictured just at the start of the Seaford Half Marathon last Saturday. The race is predominantly off-road, starting on Seaford Seafront, on over the South Downs, along the River Cuckmere, and up and then down Seaford Head back onto the seafront. He did really well. I admire his determination to succeed in all that he does, which is why I wanted to include this photo of him running. He has the same passion and drive for all his interests - running, photography, youth work, cooking, stand-up comedy, subterranean exploration, and most especially science. He inspires me to strive for better in the things that I love.

It was also his birthday this week, and I was reminded again how thankful I am that he is such a big part of my life, that he loves me so much, that I can be myself around him 100% of the time, that I can share everything with him, and that he is an awesome cook. I am thankful that he is my best friend and confidante. And I am also thankful for his amazing hugs.

...Victorian innovation and technology...I guess... I mean, I'm not ungrateful for it. We went to the Bluebell Railway, our local steam railway - most regions in Britain have one or two - for my husband's birthday, and I don't really know how else to be thankful for stream trains, but they look pretty cool and they're fun to go for a ride on. So, yeah, here's a picture of a steam train chugging  into Horsted Keynes Station on the Bluebell Railway!

...that my parents never made us put Oxo cubes in our milk, bleurgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...that the violas we planted in May have flowered beautifully. They're like happy, smiley faces and have sprung up cheerily all over the flowerbed.

...roses. This is the rose tree in our garden that has flowered beautifully, as it does every June. I absolutely love roses!

...that I live in an historical town. It really is a great place, with old houses and flint walls everywhere. The castle sits proudly in the middle, and is a constant reminder of days gone past when blood was shed in great Medieval battles, when the majestic priory was destroyed during Henry VIII's Dissolution of the Monasteries, and when Protestant martyrs were burnt at the stake during Mary I's reign, as well as numerous other feats of history. Whatever may annoy about my town, I am thankful for the fascinating history that whispers from its walls and roads each day.

...water. This is the ruins of a water fight night that we held at the youth group. I am thankful that water is so abundant in this country that we have plenty to play with, let alone to drink, wash and cook with. I want to always be thankful for the provision we have so that I may keep campaigning for those who don't.

Well it's been quite a week. I have had so much more to be thankful for that I haven't been able to take pictures of, but I do love that this project has helped me to be more intentional in my thankfulness, which was Kayleigh's aim with this link-up.

Photos my own.

The House Inspection

We've just had our 'house inspection' by our landlady. It's been bothering me for a few weeks now. Our rented cottage is Victorian so complete with draughty sash windows, damp inviting old brick, and creaky floorboards. All these charms lose their romance when it's challenge to keep things clean. Add to that all the stuff we own and our general untidiness and you can see why house inspections cause me to break out in a cold sweat.

Thankfully we passed, although we'll be receiving a few recommendations by e-mail. Now I can relax a bit more. The whole thing has given me cause to remember the time when my brothers and I used to play 'house inspections', the memory of which always makes me laugh.

When we were children we used to construct houses for our figurines. We'd use books, Sylvanian Family toys, Duplo, Lego, and even bits of real furniture. We would then use our imaginations for the rest.

Once our figurine families were neatly settled in their homes we'd come up with various adventures for them. One event that nearly always took place was the 'house inspection.'

"Look at the state of these walls!"

An evil house inspector, usually played by the Sheriff of Nottingham, Jafar or Emperor Palpatine would knock on the door, rudely barge into the house with no invitation, and proceed to criticise anything and everything about the house from the layout of one room to the size of another, to the choice of furnishings in the living room (usually Sylvanian floral) to the colour of the units in the kitchen (usually Duplo blue)

"You call this a house?"

Eventually this iniquitous villain would turn to insulting the home owner and their family. The end result would involve the offended characters chasing the inspector from their home in a humorous fashion. More than once this would involve one of the Puppy in my Pocket dogs biting his bottom to more bizarre retaliations such as when one of the inspectors walked in on John Smith from Pocahontus in the bath. John proceeded to drive the bath, which had suddenly developed wheels for the occasion, after the inspector forcing him down the Duplo stairs, out of the house and down the carpeted street to the distant land of the laundry basket. Ah the imaginations of our childhood...

"Your face is a disgrace!"

Who these tiny plastic house inspectors worked for and what rights of enforcement they had we will never know, although they did manage a couple of successful evictions which would lead our main characters to another exciting adventure.

Needless to say my view of house inspections has been tainted by these childhood experiences, causing me unnecessary anxiety. It is a relief to open the door to a kind landlady who just wants to check we're not digging up trenches in the kitchen, and who I don't have to chase down the streets, with or without the aid of my magically wheeled bath.



Sheriff of Nottingham - http://www.totalfilm.com/features/9-villains-who-stole-the-movie
Jafar - http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/jafar/images/14792933/title/jafar-photo
Emperor Palpatine - http://lucasfilm.wikia.com/wiki/Emperor_Palpatine

Seeing Thankfulness: Week One

A Million Little Somethings

This week I am thankful for...

...summer evenings. I love that it is lighter for longer, and I welcome the coolness at the end of a hot day.

...lunch breaks in the park in the sunshine, complete with a good book to read.

...blackbirds. I love their tuneful song. We have one that is regularly visiting our garden at the moment, on the hunt for juicy worms. The one in photo isn't the same fella, but this one was serenading us beautifully on our walk yesterday evening.

...for the colour pink and the memories it triggers. It was eight years ago today that my grandma died. She would have loved the dress I wore today, as she always liked seeing me in pink. I am thankful for my grandma. I was her first grandchild and only granddaughter. She introduced me to reading and fairytales which in turn gave me my passion for writing stories. I am thankful that I have those precious memories of sitting beside her, reading book after book on the little wicker chair she had especially for me. I miss her, and today she was particularly in my mind.

...for my imagination. This wooded rockery area in the park near work is always really peaceful. I call it the "Goblin Garden" and can just see the goblins, fairies, and other forest creatures running about their daily business as I wander through it. I am thankful that the same imagination helps me create stories full of crazy characters and their wonderful adventures. I need to be reminded to use it more often, and am thankful for any inspiration that comes my way.

...large cups of tea at work. I find tea comforting and a necessary aide to sitting at a computer all day. It's important, therefore, to have a good sized mug to drink it from. I had a lovely Cath Kidston mug with strawberries on it. Now, pranks and what we know as "gross buffoonery" are the order of the day in my office. Earlier this week one of my colleagues was committing the latter when my mug was caught in the fray and fell to the floor smashing into pieces. I was quite upset because it meant that I would now have to drink out of one of the manky mugs in the kitchen that no one ever claims ownership to. Feeling guilty he bought me another Cath Kidston mug, which I didn't expect him to do, but I certainly appreciated. As you can see it's not the same pattern but it's just as pretty as the previous one, and of course I have forgiven him.

So I am thankful God for the beauty around me, for the summer sunshine, the birdsong, and the long days. I am thankful for memories, for imagination, for silliness, and for tea.

Photos my own.

June

This month I've decided to join Kayleigh's link-up over at A Million Little Somethings - Seeing Thankfulness - for the month of June. I love Kayleigh's blog and really enjoy her writing.

I don't tend to do link-ups as I'm afraid of not keeping up with them, but this one seems achievable and I love the concept. I would be lying if I said that life wasn't a struggle at the moment, because it really is, but I also have so much to be thankful for and I believe that I should mark that in some way, and what better way than with photos?

June is a special month for me. It involves two celebrations with my husband and it is often our holiday month. It is the month of roses, dragonflies, sunshine, blue sky, white fluffy clouds, the longest day of the year, sweet peas, strawberries, pretty dresses, swifts, sweet williams, and green green grass. All of these things make me smile and I am very glad that June is finally here.

A Permanent Ache

Three weeks ago I suffered a miscarriage.

We found out that I was pregnant in mid-March. Although we were a bit scared we were very happy and excited.

Just before Easter I started spotting. I had my first appointment with the midwife that same day, thankfully. She was able to put my mind at ease but as she couldn't 100% rule anything out she referred me for an early scan.

The spotting stopped later that same day, and as I waited for my scan the pregnancy symptoms such as nausea and tiredness began to make themselves known. I allowed my original excitement to return and fervently hoped that all would be well.

I had the scan when I was 7 weeks. We could see a tiny someone, our tiny someone, his heartbeat flickering away. It was an amazing moment.

At 10 weeks I started bleeding. The instant I discovered it I knew that something was wrong. The scan this time confirmed the worst. Our baby had stopped developing shortly after 7 weeks and his heartbeat had stopped.

We were both devastated. Even though we had expected bad news we had still hoped for a miracle.

Writing about it publicly like this is really hard. I don't think I can convey just how much it hurts. I am logical and so in my head I am able to think about the future, about trying again. I know I did nothing wrong, I didn't cause this to happen, but still I want to scream out why?

My heart aches permanently for our loss, yet it continues to beat with a deep love for our little one who is now gone.

I trust God completely even though I can't understand why this has happened and why He wanted our little one so soon. Too soon for me. It is harder than I can describe. Everyone says these things happen for a reason but right now that is no comfort. My head knows that but my heart doesn't care.

My husband has been an absolute rock even though he is grieving too. My family, closest friends, and colleagues have been incredibly supportive. Many have surrounded us with prayer, something I know has given us strength and courage.

I had temporarily abstained from social media and certain social events. Everybody's life goes on but for a while my world stopped. I am back now, and that includes to the world of blogging. I have already been back at work for over a week, I've been doing chores, spending time with loved ones, and still finding joy in spring and the outdoors. A return to 'normality' is in progress, but my grief is still ever present.

Bit by bit, with the help of God and the support of those who love us I know I will get through, that we will both get through. But we will never forget the precious little one who was in our life for such a short time, unseen but already so loved.

The Eastern South Downs: My Home

A couple of years ago a friend of ours came to stay for a weekend. We took him along to a local farm to go cider tasting and as we hit the main road he was completely blown away by the view of the South Downs on either side of us. He just gasped and said, "How can you not be amazed by that?"

It's not that we weren't. I've always thought of that scene as beautiful, but I've known it so well since I was small that it doesn't make me gasp out loud like our friend each time I see it. To me it's just the way the landscape looks around my home. I never thought I took these views for granted, but recently his words have come back to me and I'm making sure that I absolutely take the time to love the beauty around me.

The South Downs has been a designated national park for the past couple of years now and I live in a small town nestled inside it. I grew up in a town just on the outskirts, and the village my parents now live in is only a few miles north of it. The South Downs have always been part of my life.

The park runs from St Catherine's Hill, Winchester, Hampshire in the West to Beachy Head, Eastbourne, East Sussex in the East. Its most southerly point is Eastbourne and its most northerly point is some village in Hampshire if I can trust Google maps. I am least familiar with the West side, knowing West Sussex only a little and not knowing Hampshire at all.

Weald & Downland Museum near Chichester -
of the less familiar, but still beautiful West side!

I do, however, know East Sussex like the back of my hand, and therefore I know this part of the South Downs pretty well.

I spent my childhood walking and cycling on the Downs with my friends, or hiking across them as a scout. I've spent my adulthood walking on them and always admiring the landscape at every opportunity. At my last job I had a spectacular view of the Ouse Valley flanked by Kingston Ridge and Firle Beacon on either side. In my current job I can see a ridge of Downland, beyond which lies Beachy Head.

Looking across to Kingston Ridge

One of my favourite places to go is Cuckmere Haven and Seven Sisters. This area is very popular with tourists but it is also very special to locals. The meanders of the Cuckmere River are well known, and the Seven Sisters cliffs are amongst the most iconic features of Sussex, and apparently they frequently star in films as the White Cliffs of Dover!* From trips here with school to walks with my husband, I don't think I could ever grow tired of this place.

The River Cuckmere meandering towards the sea

Husband paddling in the sea at Cuckmere Haven,
near where the Seven Sisters start

A chalk horse wanders across the Downs near Cuckmere

My entire train journey to work is accompanied by the Downs zooming past, and that is where my friend's words have returned to me most as I gaze out of the window, my thoughts often a million miles away. I've been taking the time to watch the new lambs running about the fields, a sight that always lightens my heart and fills me with joy. I give a little nod of acknowledgement to the Long Man of Wilmington, a chalk figure carved out in the grass centuries ago, standing tall above the A27 and the railway line as if keeping us all in order. On the way home, on the sunnier days, I love to watch the paragliders taking off from Mount Caburn, the bright colours of the wings emphasising the blueness of the sky and the greenness of the grass.

I am thankful for the South Downs. I am thankful to live in such a beautiful part of the country. I do not want to take them for granted. I may not always live in this area and so I want to continue to enjoy them for as long as possible.

Photos my own.

PS. Sorry I don't have a picture of the lambs, the Long Man of Wilmington, or of paragliders. I hope to take some in due course!

* Sourced from Wikipedia, but I've seen pictures of them mistakenly described as the White Cliffs of Dover on many a website too!

Waiting for Spring

Spring is... I want to say round the corner but I guess that it is just about here. It smells like spring, it looks like spring, but it doesn't feel like spring. It is still really cold. It keeps snowing on and off, which has never been impossible for March and April but is generally not heard of. Now the temperature is slowly going up, but very slowly. And this delightful north-eastern wind is keeping things feeling wintry.

At least the sun is shining. That gives me hope.

I'm really sorry I've not been blogging recently. I still have plenty to write about but I have been exhausted and just not had the energy to write in the evenings, or even at the weekend. In fact I'm feeling pretty tired now. However, time has gone on long enough and I am determined to get back into this writing thing. I even worked on my novel yesterday, and I have an article to write up for the church magazine. It is time to wake up because I can't wait for spring forever.

So, I thought I would give a little catch-up of what I've been up to recently, other than just dreaming of sunshine and warmer temperatures!

A Race: My husband ran the Brighton Half Marathon in mid-February, on what turned out to be a gorgeous day to be beside the seaside. The sky was a brilliant blue and the sun beamed down on all the runners. He did really well, beating his personal best, and is now more enthusiastic than ever to carry on with this running malarkey.

Palace Pier, Brighton - I was practising with a fish-eye lens.

A Hen Do: At the beginning of March I went to the hen party of my brother-in-law's fiancee, which was afternoon tea at a posh country hotel on the Ashdown Forest. There were plenty of sandwiches, scones, and cakes, as well as lots of tea. I was incredibly full and I only managed to eat just over half of my share of the goodies. It was a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

A Wedding: A couple of weeks later it was the wedding day itself. The weather had taken a turn for the worse - gale force winds and freezing rain. Nevertheless, the bride managed to stay unruffled and looking absolutely beautiful for the whole day and everyone had a really great time.

They got married in the church where her parents had married over two decades before, which was a really nice touch. The reception was at a country hotel - a sixteenth century manor situated in lovely grounds. Although some photos of the bride and groom were taken outside, the rest of us chose to stay in the warmth and just admire the view from the windows!

My husband was the best man, and he fulfilled his duties very well, keeping his brother calm in the morning, looking after the rings, and giving the expected amusing speech at the reception.

It was quite a small wedding consisting of family and only a few very close friends, but it was a great day and we all really enjoyed ourselves. I am thrilled to have a 'sister' now, and my husband and I look forward to supporting them both in their marriage.

Some of us stayed at the hotel that night. We had to duck under low beams to find our room at the end of a passageway. It was huge with an en-suite bathroom, and an extra room which had single beds for children in it! The bed was very grand with a tall, wooden headboard adorned with intricate carvings. It was fit for a king's friend, no doubt!

Other than that life has consisted mostly of work, volunteering, and trying to stay warm! We've also celebrated my brother's girlfriend's 21st birthday, gone in search of a mine (yes, it is as random as it sounds), managed a few chilly walks on the Downs, and tried to enjoy playing in the snow on the days when it has settled thickly. Life continues to be busy and full of interesting things, but I will not be sorry to see a heat wave soon.

I hope that this has now marked my return to the blogging world, and for those of you who follow me, thanks for sticking around, I appreciate it! :)

Bear With Me

It's taking me some time to come out of 'hibernation'. We've just recovered from a freak spurt of heavy snow - not impossible for March, but still not very common in these 'ere parts - so things are very cold again.

I haven't forgotten my blog and there are so many things I've been wanting to write about, but I've been finding things a little difficult recently and just want to sleep. Let's hope that true spring is not that far away now and that I will soon have a little more energy!

This fennec fox and I have much in common right now *hide*

In the meantime, thank you for all your excellent blogs. I continue to enjoy reading them even though I've not been much of a commenter of late.

Photo my own.

Valentine's Day Memories

1992
I was 7. I gave my boyfriend of the time a little cake with a dog on it. He gave me a scented card with a fairy on the front and a single red rose. We shyly kissed in the cloakroom at the exchange of these presents. I was smiling, he went bright red. We were the couple at our school at that time.

1997
I was 12. I was a skinny nerd with a horrible fringe. There was no way the 'cute' guy with the curtain haircut would ever fancy me - he was far too cool, his girlfriend was gorgeous, and most of the girls in our year had a huge crush on him. Yet when he received a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day everyone thought that I had sent them. He barely knew I existed, and I never even talked to him, let alone flirted with him. I swear to this day that I never bought him those chocolates, but I do know who did, and it wasn't his girlfriend!

Valentine's Day got worse each year that I was at school, until the point where I believed I was above it all and no longer needed to acknowledge its existence, even though deep down I still longed to find a card snuck into my locker.

2003
My best friend and I gave each other hilarious, terribly hand-made cards. I never did figure out who mine was really from. Joseph Fiennes? Aragorn? Scott Tracy from Thunderbirds? Or perhaps it was Mr Darcy... Hers was from Indiana Jones.

2006
My halls of residence at university decided to raise money for charity by running a 'postal' agency for Valentine's Day, where you could send a chocolate heart and a love note to someone's room. A friend and I sent one to a friend of ours who had a major man crush on Mark Antony. The immensely heartfelt note read:

Blood is red

Veins are blue

You've conquered my heart

So I'll rally to you.

Rally to me, rally to me

Your Mark Antony

I've never seen anyone so genuinely chuffed with a Valentine. Cleopatra would have seethed with jealous rage.

2009

Our first Valentine's together. Neither of us had ever had a proper Valentine before (the kiddy ones don't count!), so we felt it would be nice to acknowledge it. He bought me breakfast in bed and a small bunch of beautiful red roses. I wrote out one of Shakespeare's sonnets for him in silver pen on red heart-shaped card.

Now

Years of teenage angst and a deep-rooted wish to reject commercialism should have made us hate Valentine's Day. We don't hate it, nor do we love it, but we'll always make a little gesture that is very 'us' and that's it, why not?

Photo my own - Asian short-clawed otters at London Wetlands.

I Love Snow

Snow was not a regular feature of my childhood. Over the past four years we've received a decent amount in England, more than I ever knew when I was younger. Nowadays the snow sometimes lasts for more than a day (imagine that!), so I do get pretty excited about it.

It started snowing where I live on Friday morning, after I had left for work. About mid-morning I decided it would be sensible to relocate to the office that is near to where I live, as public transport frequently becomes disrupted by snow and ice in this country. I sat back on the train, admiring the scenery as it whizzed past, the Downs already dusted in an icing sugar coating.

Back in my hometown the snow was falling heavily, and I enjoyed the chilly walk through it to the office. I logged onto a spare computer by the window where I could steal the occasional glance at the dancing flakes as they continued to twirl and fall from the sky.

By the time I reached home there were several centimetres on the ground. It eventually stopped later that evening. There was no more snow on Saturday, although as the temperature didn't get above freezing so the snow that had settled from the previous day didn't melt. It was a day for staying in, keeping warm, and baking banoffee muffins.

On Sunday we woke to heavier snow falling from the sky. It continued all day, and this time we took the opportunity to go for a wander and enjoy the magic while it lasted.

Snowy train tracks

Through the castle's barbican gate

Traipsing in the snow, drinking hot chocolate, and stopping to admire the views was a welcome boost to my spirit.

I went to work as normal today. There is still plenty of snow around, although it's retreating to the less beautiful, more slushy stage. I sigh because I'm sad to see it go, even though I know it's for the best. This country is not known for its ability to run normally in snowy and icy weather. But I love it. I love the magic and the beauty it brings to this otherwise dull month. I look forward to the next time, whenever that may be.

Photos my own.

Er...Hi 2013...

So far I don't have much to say about 2013. I mean, we welcomed in the New Year in a fun way - leaping into it, Danish style, in the middle of a masquerade ball themed wedding reception - probably the best way I've ever started a new year.

New Years Day was beautiful with the sun shining brightly for the first time in a fortnight. That's not a bad way to start at all.

However, the drudgery of the weekly work routine has set in all too quickly, my husband is working too many night shifts for my liking, and it's, you know, January. BLAH.

A lot of people have been writing inspiring and thought-provoking blog posts about their hopes and dreams for 2013, their New Year's Resolutions, their fresh starts. I definitely welcomed 2013 much more happily than I have welcomed in any other year for some time, but still not with the same gusto as many others appear to have done.

I anticipated that my enthusiasm would disappear within a couple of days, so it's not much of a shock that I feel the way I do now. Flat and grey and tired and bored and apathetic.

Having said that, I am pleased with myself that I am soldiering on. That I am taking the time to drink in the good stuff, and to make plans, and to keep my brain occupied. But it is taking a lot of effort. Every minute of every day I am having to make a conscious decision to stay strong and face the winter. I don't want to. I would rather stay in bed. But I am trying, and am so far succeeding. I will keep going.

I don't have resolutions. I don't have any particular hopes and dreams, at least not any that I feel comfortable sharing on the interwebs. I am making a daily effort to keep at the things that will make life a little better in the long run. I don't like it because it is hard work. I do like that I am not alone in my hard work. And that is how I still soldier on.